cosmic inadequacy

hello world of pixels

on the way to yoga yesterday, i met an old American man. initially, i had my earphones in as usual. but then he lumbered into my cabin and sat next to me. briefly, our eyes connected and smiles peeked from behind cold faces. i removed one side of my earphones. he said, "hello, how's your day?". that, my friends, is all that it takes.

i never understood why talking to strangers was considered "weird". well, except for creepy clowns who probably have more intentions than just having a conversation. then again, i stereotype and stigmatise from the countless of "clowns are scary, evil, and bad" media revelations. i digress.

the conversation was.. ordinary. ordinary, yet, satisfying. we talked about school, the presidential elections, his thoughts about it, my thoughts about it, english, Singapore, Australia, relationships. he was very warm. something that i felt many people inevitably lack these days. no doubt we were talking rather dynamically. occasionally i'd glance around and people were looking at us– not in an angry way where by we were disturbing their commute.. but with a puzzled look on their faces. 

"why?"

i never got his name, his email, or something that we could keep in touch with. it was a fleeting moment of ten minutes that came and left. we might have similar interests in some fields. we might have some sort of connection. we might have even been related (though, i doubt so) but at that moment none of that mattered. it was pure, approachable warmth that ignited something.. and at that, we kept going.

i'm writing this because lately, cold and distant seems to be an integral part of my life. sometimes i feel lost and mostly, i'm tired. i'm trying so hard to be this perfect person i want to be but with each fall, i only trip on unravelling threads of disgust that plague my pristine soul. and today, i tried to be warmer... only to be burnt by being too warm. countlessly, i ask myself, "what am i doing wrong?" only to stumble back to being an impatient lover who spits poisonous daggers.

sometimes all we need is an occasional conversation with a stranger, an old friend, or whoever. not even about anything in particular, but just thoughts and life. to let everything out. someone who doesn't judge. someone who doesn't take it to heart. someone who would just listen. about anything, really. 

it's been a really long time since i had a lovely conversation.